Forgiveness

I know that the hardest thing for me to grasp was that I did not do anything wrong when we lost our little girl, that I did everything I could do. It took me some time, but I had to walk through forgiveness of myself over her loss. For some that is hard to understand. Forgiving others is most often easier for us to do when it comes to other people, but when it comes to us as an individual we think that we do not owe it to ourselves to forgive us for what has happened. I thought I should have been able to control every thing that happened with this tragedy, I thought that she was my baby, and as her mom I should have been able to protect her from the infection that she got from my body. For the longest time, after her passing, every time I got upset, I had to verbalize that "I have forgiven myself for the the loss of Madelise" some days it was almost impossible to get out and other days it was no big deal. This was the first step to total restoration of my mind emotions and most importantly my spirit. God blessed me with my Garrett after I walked through complete healing, I could not have been ready to have another child if I was a wounded mom. I had to walk through some very dark valleys during that period of time. I became addicted to prescription medications. They were my way of getting rid of the pain, I would always say I want to turn my head off. I didn't know how to deal with the deep pain that was inside of me. I found justification in the meds, because I needed them to help with the pain of endometriosis. Once my addiction came out I had to really walk through the forgiveness process with myself, because I felt like a horrible mom, here I am a mother to a beautiful little boy, and I am drugging myself so I don't have to feel. I wont tell you that forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is for some people, but for most when it comes to forgiving yourself it is the hardest thing that you will ever do. The meaning of forgiveness is this: To let go of the hurts and not take on the emotions from the pain. It is not to say that we forget, because we will always remember but we will work to move forward and not continue to hold onto the pain that goes with the tragedy. Jesus had a statement in his sermon on the mount "God blesses those people who make peace". So in forgiving yourself you are making peace with your situation and choosing to move forward letting go of the hurt and pain, while always remembering your baby. This is not to say that in the beginning this will most likely be a daily process. Then as time goes on you will realize that this conscious decision is fewer and further between because over time it will really take hold of your heart. In the beginning you may just have to say the words and at first you may not really mean what you are saying, but when you continually say that you are forgiving yourself for what has happened, (which the bible says your words shall not return void), you will wake up one day and realize that you mean what you are saying. You may well ask, "If I forgive isn't that ignoring the past? What about justice?" The issue of justice faces us with the cost of forgiveness. Paul says, "Forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you" (Colossians 3:13). The justice of your forgiveness is your peace. I can promise you this that when you forgive you will have that peace that passes all understanding.

Prayer/Declaration

I read this prayer the other day written by a mother who had lost a baby due to miscarriage. When I read the prayer, it kind of frustrated me, because it was self centered in my opinion instead of being Christ centered, so I rewrote it to fit what I believe should be our prayers as parents that have lost a baby:

Baby’s Prayer

Baby’s Prayer

In this time of loss I call upon the Holy Spirit to guide me to be my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to allow myself and others the ability to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to total restoration.

During my journey of grief I will seek guidance not only from the Holy Spirit and my Heavenly Father but from my loving friends and family who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and I will take the time to allow the healing to take place.

I will live not in fear but peace, and understand that over time I will see all of the good things that have happened through the life of my baby.

In spite of my understanding that things happen that cannot be controlled, I understand that with the power of the Holy Spirit I can allow God to take control over my life and guide me to the place where my destiny and purpose will be reviled to give me a complete healing emotionally spiritually and physically.

Help me recognize the gift of the ability to carry and conceive no matter how long my baby may have lived.

Help me find the joy and peace in the ability to desire, love and care for a baby unknown to me.

Help me find your healing grace in the belief that this baby knew my love and the desire for my baby to be complete and whole on this Earth or in the arms of Jesus.

Help me find the purpose to the short life that my baby lived so that I might help others through the loss of their baby. Help me to give and help others who are now apart of the “Club” of families who have lost a baby through miscarriage stillbirth or infant death.

Help me to recognize and honor my baby’s life by the way that I live mine, by moving forward and taking control of my grief, and allowing God to take control over my life, so that I might live to find the purpose and destiny God has for me. Help me to learn the full appreciation of motherhood in any way that you have designed for me.

I will listen to and trust my Heavenly Father, because He tells me that, I will once again be reunited with my baby and will fulfill the need to hold baby in my arms. I will allow Him to bring me comfort in the knowledge that my baby knows no pain or suffering only happiness in the arms of Jesus.

Kick Off for Maddie's Place

I am sitting here trying to think of all the pathways that Zach and I have taken over the last 5 years. Boy has it been a journey. One with many bumps and hills to climb. This past weekend I saw something become a reality. Maddie's Place became a reality over the weekend. We had our 3 year anniversary at our church, and I was called upon to introduce Maddie's Place to the congregation. WOW! I was not expecting that, so I was so unprepared. I was hoping to be able to have a brief, yet nice description of what we were about, and why we do what we do, and when that moment came God knew what he was doing. I stood there with a mike in my hand and had to say God what am I suppose to say and it seems that the same words that God always says to me were spoken to "JUST TRUST ME!" So I stood there for a moment that felt like a life time, and I started with this "5 years ago, Zach and I had a baby that passed away shortly after she was born" After I said it I was shocked, where did that come from? I then realized the reason why I was shocked, because that was the first time, I had ever gotten in front of people to talk about this subject in my life. I then really started to share my heart on the matter of loss, and what most people go through and feel when they loose a baby. I saw peoples eyes filling up with tears as I shared a brief 60 sec introduction to Maddie's Place. It felt rewarding. I finally felt that my little girl has a permanent place in everyone's mind. They best thing about it all is that I didn't put her there God did!

Another Birthday gone.

For all of you that know or don't know, yesterday was Madelise's 5th birthday. It doesn't seem like it has been that long on some days and then on other day's it seems like it has been forever. I have to say that out of all of her birthday's yesterday was the hardest. I think about all of the first's that would happen this year. She would be in kindergarten she would probably be loosing her first tooth, along so many other things. It is very hard to think about what she would have looked like, or how she would sound if I could hear her talk. Up until yesterday arrived, I dreaded Aug 3rd every year because of the saddness that I have always felt from missing her. Zach the boys and I had a little birthday party for her like we do every year, but this year was different. Gavin was making all of the decisions on how to celebrate Sissy's birthday, and that was nice for a change. I took his lead. He wanted to make sure that Sissy had a fun time at her party in Heaven, so we needed to make it fun here for her too. Wow was he is good. By letting him take charge and make the decisions it was what I needed. He did not moup around the house being sad that she was gone, but he was happy to have a party. Garrett was as excited to do the same, he wanted that cake and icecream! Gavin was a life saver yet again, when it came to the subject of his sister. You see what he always seems to remind me of is not the saddness but the joy of her life. I do good most days to remember all the wonderful things that have happened from her short life, but sometimes, I forget that, on her birthday it is the greatest opportunity to celebrate the life that she has in Heaven. I know that I am probably rambling on here, I guess the point that I am trying to make is that I finally found the joy, that I was looking for. God used my sweet boy to bring me the joy that I needed to make it through the day. Gavin decided that we would start a new tradition this year along with our other traditions. He picked out a wind chime with a green dragon fly on it. Green is his favorite color, so it has to be Sissy's to, he says that the windchime is to remind us of Maddie. He said that when the wind blows and it makes the chimes wiggle, it sounds sweet. It sounds like Maddie sounds when she laughs in Heaven. So every time it "rings" it will let us hear Sissy laugh in Heaven. Now how sweet is that. Now every year we will by a new windchime on Madelise's birthay! God definately used Gavin to help me through the day, and I hope that every one reading this pays attention to the little people around you, because God can and will use them to

Life's Mission

Life has a purpose, but some of us take so long to figure out what our purpose is, that we never find it until it is to late. A good friend of my husband's, had a father that passed on Sunday, it hit my husband, not because the man passed away, but that his good friend was suffering, and with that we talked about whether or not his father had known Jesus. You know we are all called to take on the purpose of sharing God's word to others, so that they may have the opportunity to know him, and be able to enter an eternity of peace and joy, with the heavenly Father. Whether or not you have figured out exactly what your life's purpose is you should always take on the mission of sharing Gods word with others. You know when you take on that mission you shouldn't be surprised, when the purpose that God has for you begins to reveal it's self in your life. There are so many ways to share God's glory and word with others. I have my own way of sharing the word of God with others, and you will have your own way of sharing the word of God too. You know that the most important thing to do is approach the subject with humility and understanding of the people that you are trying to lead to Christ. I had a really close friend tell me once, that some one walked up to him at the mall, and gave him a track that said "Heaven or Hell where are you going?" That turned him off. It turned him off, because the person was threatening, and they had no relationship with him. If I am going to share the news of Christ, then I like to start off by talking about a common interest that I might have with someone, and then I tell them where I go to church, and I talk a little about what I believe. Most of the time if you take the time to have a simple conversation with someone you will be able to lead into the knowledge of Christ, and share the message that God has called each of us to share. When you pay attention to the person and not the point you will have more impact on them, and they wont feel like your cramming something down their throat, they are a lot morelikely to listen. Pay attention to their mood, and their body language, you will be able to tell if you are getting somewhere with them. Let God lead you and He will give you the right words to say to be able to get through the message that He alone wants you to give.

Finding Life's purpose

Hello everyone!

This past week something really tragic happened. For those of you who live in the Rick and Bubba nation, you heard the news about Rick losing his youngest son. My prayers go out to you Rick. I have really taken the time to do some self evaluation during this time. You know that when you lose a child you make promises to yourself, that you hopefully will be able to keep. I think that the biggest thing I promised my self was to never take life for granted. During this past week I realized that I have not kept that promise to myself. So that's when reality hit, I have taken life for granted knowing that it can end in the blink of any eye. I was really proud of Rick for the statement that he made about the loss of his son during the memorial service, talking about if just one person came to know Christ through all of this, it would be worth it. I was amazed, that someone else could understand what I have been saying the last 4 years since the passing of my daughter. Let me explain. After she passed away, I prayed and asked God to give me something to hold on to, and he told me this "If not one person came to know me would it be worth it?" The only answer I had was yes! She now has the perfect life knowing no pain or sickness, so how could I not be happy that God was using her to lead others to Christ. I am now convinced that when a child passes away, they are the biggest and best warriors for Christ. They are able to get the attention of people, that no one else could effect. God uses "the least of these" to do his work. Children have such a pure relationship with Christ that just amazes me. I think that my goal this year is to help the families around me that go through loss, find their purpose for the life of their child. You know that you may not see the impact right away, but one day you will. I like to use this example, my father-in-law was out witnessing one day when he pastored a church in Amarillo TX. Every week he would put a business card on 1 family's door, because they did not answer. About 2 years later a family came into his office with a stack of business cards that they had received for 2 years from him. They told him that he was the only one who never gave up on them. From that point on they attended his church, but most importantly they got to know Christ, and now have a personal relationship with him. You see my father-in-law did not see the fruit right away, but 2 years later he did. I hope that God shows you the fruit of your loss right away, but don't get weary in well doing, because tomorrow could be your day to eat your fill of God's sweet fruit!
Love ya all
Rachel

Purpose

Hey everyone,
I just wanted to say something. Some people today asked me the purpose of the web page, and all I want to say is this: I have found that if people have a healthy outlet to voice their feelings, and what they are going through, it is much easier to deal with them. So the point is to give a voice to anyone that has gone through the tragedy of losing a baby or young child. Unless you have gone through this tragedy you don't know how it feels to have such a loss. Everyone needs a safe place, to say this is where I can let my hair down and say what I need to say and know that I am understood, and I have no one judging me for what I say. I know that it definatly helps.... because it has helped me!