Forgiveness

I know that the hardest thing for me to grasp was that I did not do anything wrong when we lost our little girl, that I did everything I could do. It took me some time, but I had to walk through forgiveness of myself over her loss. For some that is hard to understand. Forgiving others is most often easier for us to do when it comes to other people, but when it comes to us as an individual we think that we do not owe it to ourselves to forgive us for what has happened. I thought I should have been able to control every thing that happened with this tragedy, I thought that she was my baby, and as her mom I should have been able to protect her from the infection that she got from my body. For the longest time, after her passing, every time I got upset, I had to verbalize that "I have forgiven myself for the the loss of Madelise" some days it was almost impossible to get out and other days it was no big deal. This was the first step to total restoration of my mind emotions and most importantly my spirit. God blessed me with my Garrett after I walked through complete healing, I could not have been ready to have another child if I was a wounded mom. I had to walk through some very dark valleys during that period of time. I became addicted to prescription medications. They were my way of getting rid of the pain, I would always say I want to turn my head off. I didn't know how to deal with the deep pain that was inside of me. I found justification in the meds, because I needed them to help with the pain of endometriosis. Once my addiction came out I had to really walk through the forgiveness process with myself, because I felt like a horrible mom, here I am a mother to a beautiful little boy, and I am drugging myself so I don't have to feel. I wont tell you that forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is for some people, but for most when it comes to forgiving yourself it is the hardest thing that you will ever do. The meaning of forgiveness is this: To let go of the hurts and not take on the emotions from the pain. It is not to say that we forget, because we will always remember but we will work to move forward and not continue to hold onto the pain that goes with the tragedy. Jesus had a statement in his sermon on the mount "God blesses those people who make peace". So in forgiving yourself you are making peace with your situation and choosing to move forward letting go of the hurt and pain, while always remembering your baby. This is not to say that in the beginning this will most likely be a daily process. Then as time goes on you will realize that this conscious decision is fewer and further between because over time it will really take hold of your heart. In the beginning you may just have to say the words and at first you may not really mean what you are saying, but when you continually say that you are forgiving yourself for what has happened, (which the bible says your words shall not return void), you will wake up one day and realize that you mean what you are saying. You may well ask, "If I forgive isn't that ignoring the past? What about justice?" The issue of justice faces us with the cost of forgiveness. Paul says, "Forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you" (Colossians 3:13). The justice of your forgiveness is your peace. I can promise you this that when you forgive you will have that peace that passes all understanding.